18 Mar 2012

Angolia part six; The F.L.A. and the Banana war

Civil war lasted in Angolia for around six years. During this time the B.L.A. would terrorise local fruit and veggie shops by running in and stealing all the Banana’s at gun point. Then annoying the public by throwing them into the jungle with shouts of “Be free my yellow non gender specific siblings!”
Dozens of people emigrated from the ice cream sundae parlour to the bakeries in the great banana split famine of 1966
Their reign of terror ended in 1967 when Madonna Patel,the enraged wife of Tiberious Patel, Fruit merchant, followed the masked revolutionaries to their bed and breakfast after one of their strikes against her husband. After locating their hideout she called the community constable who arrested them. The B.L.A. were then forced to work in the Patel's shop for six months soft labour, before being thrashed and deported back to America.
A Portrait of Madonna Patel who was give the bronze croissant for service to the horticultural industry
Alfonzo's war continued well into 1972 due to his continued absences from battling the army with sick notes and a medical certificate from his GP. Eventually his army was cornered while trying to sneak into orientation Week at Angolian University. After a fierce battle the F.L.A. was destroyed by a group of enraged boyfriends egged by their girlfriends that Alfonzo and his army tried to hit on.

Alfonzo himself escaped to a near by bar and being a complete idiot decided to try his luck again. Learning the lesson from the devastating defeat of his army from the first year student body he decided to try what he thought was easier prey.  He spied a young blond tourist in the middle of a fight with two women. Angolian historians have pieced together the next few moments. Alfonzo smoothed back his greasy dreadlocks and sauntered over the the women and uttered something along the lines of:
"Hey is this cat bothering you." The women told him to go away, and he said
"Hey baby, why have vanilla, when you can have chocolate. Alfonzo is the sauce." The women repeated their request to go away, but Alfonzo persisted.
"Hey baby, did it hurt when you fell form heaven, coz Aflnzo has not seen two such smoking angels before."
At this point the nearby Norwegian tourist, Oscar Erikdotterisen politely asked Alfonzo to leave the ladies alone. Alfonzo pushed the blond tourist over. "Alfonzo to the rescue, don't worry  there is plenty of Alfonzo to go around."

While there is some academic debate as to the cause of the death of Alfonzo Boohoohoo; some consider it was due to to the fact Alfonzo spoke in the third person when he tried to pick up women,  Others hypothesise  it was because he touched the women with his greasy paws.  Leading Angolian historian Francois Amelie Deville who interviewed the witnesses has the most accepted theory.  The two women were champion karate black belts who were celebrating a mutual friends birthday. They were both quite enamoured by young Oscars accent, and being both highly competitive were fighting over the tourist. Alfonzo's interruption, his violence to their intended paramour, and twenty seven jagerbombs drove the women past breaking point. The two women dragged Alfonzo outside to the car park and promptly kicked  him to death. The battle of Oscar Erikdotterisen ended the F.L.A.'s fight and the revolution in Angolia. 
The battle of Oscar Erikdotterisen improved relations between Angolia and Norway considerably.

1 comment:

  1. These have transmogrified from movie reviews into something I don't quite understand ;)