11 Mar 2012

Angolia Part 4; Godkings to Merlot and revolution

Sir Renoir Aubergine
God king of Angolia
1905 - 1946
 The reign of Renoir Aubergine God-king of Angolia was brief. His new policies of triple garlic portions in garlic bread, and all church communion wine being Merlot exclusively from his families winery caused great unrest in the sleepy country. 

The final straw was when he closed that little Tapas place on the corner of Bourbon and Gautier street for not giving him a complimentary meal for being God-King.
Edward de Scarlett
King of Angolia
1946 - 1984

Incensed by his dictatorial regime he was shot in the face by the direct ancestor of the Founder of Angolia, Edward De Scarlett.  

After the assassination of the God-King the country breathed a sigh of relief and Turkish cigarette smoke, and they promptly offered the Crown to Edward. He responded with a shrug.

Edward promptly established a parliament and made Angolia a  constitutional monarchy so he wouldn’t have to do any thing.  He then retired to the family estate, and ran his own pirate radio station.  

Peace reigned in Angolia for fourteen years until the sixties when all sorts of crazy ideas were sweeping the world. Angolia gained its own communist party consisting of five visiting students and a sociology professor from Yale. 

They were horrified by the Monarchy, the misogyny and the use of Monkeys as slave labour.

Actually the appalled academics were entirely mistaken in their understanding of Angolian society. The country had happily voted in the Monarchy as a they thought it was a classier form of government, the king had shown to be a crack shot and the Savior of Church, state and tapas, so why not him. Also Angolian Law recognised Men, Woman, Monkeys and Apes equally in all matters of law. The Monkeys and Apes became quickly annoyed that these foreigners kept shouting "throw down your tools!" because contrary to popular belief , Monkeys like working to a strict work schedule, and throwing their tools down didn't really seem a logical way of building a bridge. 

Angolian women also could work in any sector and be paid the same as everybody else. Except that most Angolian women were ridiculously lazy and preferred lounging around a pool in the latest fashions, drinking cocktails in the sun and mooching off celebrities.  They had bloody well built this country, it was their decade off.  Why would they want to work in an office all day when they could drink Mojitos by the sea.

Keith Safe
the Patisserie bomber seconds
 before his demise
1945 - 1963
But despite many attempts to explain all this, the students formed the Angolian Communist Freedom Army (C.F.A). and inspired by the likes of Che Guevarra, the C.F.A. revolted for the good of the people in 1963. They hoped to ignite the country to throw off the shackles of imperialism through extreme action.

On May seventh 1963 the C.F.A. threw a bomb into a Patisserie in New Noir hoping to kill the Bishop of Angolia and General Malcolm Umboto, the head of the Angolian army. The pair liked to share a crossword and a raspberry bun together before they started their day.

 Unfortunately the sociology students turned revolutionaries had little knowledge of chemistry or explosives so all they achieved was showering the two in jam and pastry. 
General Malcolm Roderick Umboto 
  The General Umboto following the military tradition of Angolia, was a four hundred pound angry chimp, he responded to the jammy attack by ripping the arms off the young student, ending the revolution in a day. The surviving members of the C.F.A.  deciding that Angolia wasn't ready for revolution yet left that very day.

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