14 Jun 2013

Horoscope from madame Shonky Shona


December 22 -
January 19
The rulership of Saturn - the planet representing responsibility, structure and hard work - ensures that Capricorns in their truest of expression, are ambitious, practical and superb organizers. However Saturn is nowhere near you at the moment so I expect you to be unmotivated, unrealistic, and residing in chaos. You are probably at home skiving, watching Emmerdale farm smoking like a chimney and drinking cask wine.
Lucky number  - 345658912.98
January 20 -
February 18
An Aquarian's Secret Desire is  to be unique and original so your used to be emo and now have graduated into a hipster. Except you are the sort of dirty Hipster that states that they hate hipsters and that you are just being ironic.  I hate you as much as  I hate Kanye.
Lucky colour - gingham

February 19 -
March 20
Great googily maloogily you are in for Mr toads wild ride this weekend.  Mars has been invaded by Ice warriors and there is a marathon of Westerous to be had. With an Aqua  moon rising remember that your parents may visit so try to be sober until at least 6ish. Well try.
Lucky wine - Sav

March 21 -
April 19
Whether male or female, Aries people are doers rather than 'talkers, which makes you particularly annoying when you do stuff without asking. Look at Hitler he didn’t ask about Poland and he was a knob end. Remember Poland, remember to ask. Especially in relationships and money so don’t try to snog your bank manager. But no shagging for you this weekend, which may cause problems in your relationship sector  if your partner is a Leo or a Sag as they are definitely getting some somewhere.
Lucky TV doctor -Oz

April 20 -
May 20
The truth is, when Taureans manage to operate very adequately on their own form of automatic pilot, they can switch off from the world around them very efficiently. Which is great when your back is to a window , otherwise you may get into trouble from watching porn um sports, sure sports,  Like volley ball.  But then you do twice as much as those bloody  Arians, with their white power marches and stuff. You deserve shoes! Go get some.  And a beer. Go get a beer.

May 21 -
June 20
Gemini’s evoke so much interest is many born under this sign are utterly mental. Like seriously schitzo. Remember that admin girl Rebecca that lived in the air conditioning for three months? Gemini. That crazy mo fo out  the front writing madness in chalk? Gemini.  With lithium entering your prescription you are in for a fun weekend.
Favourite colour – teletubbies.

June 21 -
July 22
Just as the Moon goes through many changes as it moves from its new to full phases, Cancers too go through many new and full phases of experience. So I guess that was your excuse to take the day off and get smashed on champagne with your mates. Still good day for it. Avoid red headed men though, they smell of toffee and are destined to become carnies so a relationship is doomed. DOOMED. Not even a one night stand is ok as they will get your scent and follow you home.  Just throw salt into their soulless eyes and run.
Lucky colour – sapphire

July 23 -
August 22
Once a Lion is committed to a relationship, they are totally devoted and faithful. But until then they are play-ars.. SO get out there in your hippest duds and best spading shirt and score some rampant strumpets you filthy dog you. Woof woof baby, but remember last week when you gave your real name to that red headed Gemini? major disaster. So pack condoms, cab fare and a fake identity. Hol-lah!
Lucky score-  girl with father issues, yes you might be a girl yourself but come on Leo it is the new millennium get with the program.

August 23 -
September 22
Creative and sensitive, Virgos are delicate people who, like rare and special orchids, require individual treatment to fully blossom into their true unique beauty. So watch out for Sagittarians, Gemini’s and Leos this weekend  because they will take your flower, take it I say and use you like a KFC moist towelette for their pleasure.  Well The Leo’s and Sagittarians will, more than likely the Gemini will lock you in his van and take you to a basement where his dead mother is stored. DON’T DO IT!
Lucky drink water

September 23 -
October 22
Librans can switch off from the world around them and during these periods much more occurs on the deep innermost levels of the Libran's psyche. Well that is what you tell your manager when he catches you dozing at your desk.  Basically you are bored out of your skull  and can’t wait until the clock hits time and you can bail. For a well-deserved drink balance precariously in your hand as you manage your children.  You enjoy your weekends because it allows you your greatest vice. Sloth.
Lucky Manchester - blankie

October 23 -
November 21
With the moon circling Mercury you will struggle with pompous pseudo intellectuals who are trying to justify their ridiculous existence.  But only until four PM and then the sirens call of wine will take you on a magical land of wit, wonder and aesthetics after your second bottle  of house red. Embrace your destiny and if you are single any Sagittarians, and Leos that are nearby.  If you are in a committed relationship be glad of a free ride home by that dreaded fourth bottle.
Lucky colour – Bordeaux  

November 22 -
December 21
A big weekend for you! Carousing, and jollification sauciness, war, and maybe a new TV to be had.  But you must you  must go to the butcher so you can enjoy the butchery.  If you are single try and meet other sagg’s. and Leos, and Pisces those Scorpio girls are trouble  but fun. If you are in a relationship one drink and then home for you Mr! but  there is the promise of fun and laughter ahead, probably  more so than your single companions
Lucky house Stark

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