Capricorn
December 22 -
January 19
The
rulership of Saturn - the planet representing responsibility, structure
and hard work - ensures that Capricorns in their truest of expression,
are ambitious, practical and superb organizers. However Saturn is
nowhere near you at the moment so I expect you to be unmotivated,
unrealistic, and residing in chaos. You are probably at home skiving,
watching Emmerdale farm smoking like a chimney and drinking cask wine.
Lucky number - 345658912.98
Aquarius
February 18
An
Aquarian's Secret Desire is to be unique and original so your used to
be emo and now have graduated into a hipster. Except you are the sort of
dirty Hipster that states that they hate hipsters and that you are just
being ironic. I hate you as much as I hate Kanye.
Lucky colour - gingham
Pisces
February 19 -
March 20
Great
googily maloogily you are in for Mr toads wild ride this weekend. Mars
has been invaded by Ice warriors and there is a marathon of Westerous
to be had. With an Aqua moon rising remember that your parents may
visit so try to be sober until at least 6ish. Well try.
Lucky wine - Sav
Aries
March 21 -
April 19
Whether
male or female, Aries people are doers rather than 'talkers, which
makes you particularly annoying when you do stuff without asking. Look
at Hitler he didn’t ask about Poland and he was a knob end. Remember
Poland, remember to ask. Especially in relationships and money so don’t
try to snog your bank manager. But no shagging for you this weekend,
which may cause problems in your relationship sector if your partner is
a Leo or a Sag as they are definitely getting some somewhere.
Lucky TV doctor -Oz
Taurus
April 20 -
May 20
The
truth is, when Taureans manage to operate very adequately on their own
form of automatic pilot, they can switch off from the world around them
very efficiently. Which is great when your back is to a window ,
otherwise you may get into trouble from watching porn um sports,
sure sports, Like volley ball. But then you do twice as much as those
bloody Arians, with their white power marches and stuff. You deserve
shoes! Go get some. And a beer. Go get a beer.
Gemini
May 21 -
June 20
Gemini’s
evoke so much interest is many born under this sign are utterly mental.
Like seriously schitzo. Remember that admin girl Rebecca that lived in
the air conditioning for three months? Gemini. That crazy mo fo out the
front writing madness in chalk? Gemini. With lithium entering your
prescription you are in for a fun weekend.
Favourite colour – teletubbies.
Cancer
June 21 -
July 22
Just
as the Moon goes through many changes as it moves from its new to full
phases, Cancers too go through many new and full phases of experience.
So I guess that was your excuse to take the day off and get smashed on
champagne with your mates. Still good day for it. Avoid red headed men
though, they smell of toffee and are destined to become carnies so a
relationship is doomed. DOOMED. Not even a one night stand is ok
as they will get your scent and follow you home. Just throw salt into
their soulless eyes and run.
Lucky colour – sapphire
Leo
July 23 -
August 22
Once
a Lion is committed to a relationship, they are totally devoted and
faithful. But until then they are play-ars.. SO get out there in your
hippest duds and best spading shirt and score some rampant strumpets you
filthy dog you. Woof woof baby, but remember last week when you gave
your real name to that red headed Gemini? major disaster. So pack
condoms, cab fare and a fake identity. Hol-lah!
Lucky
score- girl with father issues, yes you might be a girl yourself but
come on Leo it is the new millennium get with the program.
Virgo
August 23 -
September 22
Creative
and sensitive, Virgos are delicate people who, like rare and special
orchids, require individual treatment to fully blossom into their true
unique beauty. So watch out for Sagittarians, Gemini’s and Leos this
weekend because they will take your flower, take it I say and use you
like a KFC moist towelette for their pleasure. Well The Leo’s and
Sagittarians will, more than likely the Gemini will lock you in his van
and take you to a basement where his dead mother is stored. DON’T DO IT!
Lucky drink water
Libra
September 23 -
October 22
Librans
can switch off from the world around them and during these periods much
more occurs on the deep innermost levels of the Libran's psyche. Well
that is what you tell your manager when he catches you dozing at your
desk. Basically you are bored out of your skull and can’t wait until
the clock hits time and you can bail. For a well-deserved drink balance
precariously in your hand as you manage your children. You enjoy your
weekends because it allows you your greatest vice. Sloth.
Lucky Manchester - blankie
Scorpio
October 23 -
November 21
With
the moon circling Mercury you will struggle with pompous pseudo
intellectuals who are trying to justify their ridiculous existence. But
only until four PM and then the sirens call of wine will take you on a
magical land of wit, wonder and aesthetics after your second bottle of
house red. Embrace your destiny and if you are single any Sagittarians,
and Leos that are nearby. If you are in a committed relationship be
glad of a free ride home by that dreaded fourth bottle.
Lucky colour – Bordeaux
Sagittarius
November 22 -
December 21
A
big weekend for you! Carousing, and jollification sauciness, war, and
maybe a new TV to be had. But you must you must go to the butcher so
you can enjoy the butchery. If you are single try and meet other
sagg’s. and Leos, and Pisces those Scorpio girls are trouble but fun.
If you are in a relationship one drink and then home for you Mr! but
there is the promise of fun and laughter ahead, probably more so than
your single companions
Lucky house Stark
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