Yes, it is that time of year again where budgets are spent hastily in philanthropic excess after months of shylockian restraint. Managers who consider employees a necessary evil in achieving their targets suddenly transform into inspiring enthusiastic leaders. It is the end of the financial years and I have to write my end of year performance document.
I loathe it. I don’t think I am alone in this. Even the managers seem to despise the whole process. Still it is a necessary evil. Or at least an evil they won’t let us avoid.
I have no inclination or ability for self promotion. A previous manager of mine would constantly criticise me for sharing credit with other team members instead of expounding on my own achievements. It is not something I have ever been confident about.
But my manager asked me very kindly for me to complete it on time so she could attempt to meet her objectives. I may have several faults but I could set her up to fail so I knuckled down to write up my document for the year.
And by knuckling down I mean procrastinate.
But after I had almost exhausted every possibility to procrastinate, I really decided to have a go at completing it. But I knew that in the normal course of things I would get distracted by my colleagues asking for an opinion or for my assistance with a query. Knowing that I would happily discard my performance document at the first opportunity I decided to set up a process to avoid such distractions.
So I created THE BOWL OF KNOWLEDGE
Inside the bowl was the potential answer to any question that a colleague would put to me. All they had speak their question out loud and then pick a answer out of the bowl.
Here are some of the answers. I have removed some as they are either too work related, or or mention people I should not mention on a public forum. Even if they do need a slap.
So here is an insight into the bowl of knowledge.
- You are making the baby Thor Cry
- Perhaps a milk shake and a pie will settle things
- Somebody needs a slap
- Bollocks to that
- That’s rubbish
- Genghis Khan knew how to resolve issues
- What would Lemmy do?
- Perhaps a five minute break would help?
- Raspberry slice is the ticket
- Daniel is on Crack Cocaine
- Ask Rachel
- No exceptions
- I doubt that would mitigate your concerns.
- And does that sound plausible to you?
- No I can’t
- Maybe for a beer?
- Maybe tomorrow
- Wild horses could not drag me to do that even with the promise of a meat pie and a beer
- I don’t want to!
- Stop it.
- If instructions say you may, then it is your discretion.
- I don’t care if it is just for sex, it is still a marriage
- Will that make a difference to the outcome?
- Try to be systematic
- Declines make me smile
- Their tears taste like champagne
- You and your hippity hop music
- What would Johnny cash do?
- What would Darth Vader do?
- They don’t drink shandies in Valhalla
- Windows 7 sucks, but then most of our IT systems do.
- Perhaps Rome?
- Human trafficking, cigarette, guns and drug smuggling
- Army, police, Military, militia and government
- Unless they confess we will never be 100%
- Lying scumbag
- It’s arbitrary
- There is no logical reason. It’s better just to proceed
- Orcas are Dolphins not Whales
- That’s never genuine
- I wouldn’t trust him to put himself out if he was on fire.
- No I am Warldorf. Marty is Statler.
- Smash him
- Red wine over white
- I’m more of a cavalry man
- AK 74
- The secret is to cook the meat slowly
- I think every which way but loose was a low point
- I suggest your ipod and loud music
- No the other Rachel
- You should always address the character issue
- Despite what the law says it can be around 14
- Pies are good for any meal
- If you have tried twice is there any benefit to a third time? You are not Robert the Bruce.
- Have you tried turning it off and on again?
- It’s a combat zone.
- No NoNoNoNO!
- Smash his face in
- Winston Churchill
- Gustavus Aldolphus
- Have you asked the Library?
- If you understand the history then you understand the problem
- A detailed chronology is always needed
- They need to provide satisfactory evidence
have a great Saturday.