7 Jul 2012

Fear and loathing in the civil service

Yes, it is that time of year again where budgets are spent hastily in philanthropic excess after months of shylockian restraint. Managers who consider employees a necessary evil in achieving their targets suddenly transform into inspiring enthusiastic leaders. It is the end of the financial years and I have to write my end of year performance document.

I loathe it.  I don’t think I am alone in this. Even the managers seem to despise the whole process. Still it is a necessary evil. Or at least an evil they won’t let us avoid.

I have no inclination or ability for self promotion. A previous manager of mine would constantly criticise me for sharing credit with other team members instead of expounding on my own achievements.  It is not something I have ever been confident about.
But my manager asked me very kindly for me to complete it on time so she could attempt to meet her objectives.  I may have several faults but I could set her up to fail so I knuckled down to write up my document for the year.

And by knuckling down I mean procrastinate.

But after I had almost exhausted every possibility to procrastinate, I really decided to have a go at completing it. But I knew that in the normal course of things I would get distracted by my colleagues asking for an opinion or for my assistance with a query. Knowing that I would happily discard my performance document at the first opportunity I decided to set up a process to avoid such distractions.


 Inside the bowl was the potential answer to any question that a colleague would put to me. All they had speak their question out loud and then pick a answer out of the bowl.
Here are some of the answers. I have removed some as they are either too work related, or or mention people I should not mention on a public forum. Even if they do need a slap.

So here is an insight into the bowl of knowledge.

  • You are making the baby Thor Cry
  • Perhaps a milk shake and a pie will settle things
  • Somebody needs a slap
  • Bollocks to that
  • That’s rubbish
  • Genghis Khan knew how to resolve issues
  • What would Lemmy do?
  • Perhaps a five minute break would help?
  • Raspberry slice is the ticket
  • Daniel is on Crack Cocaine
  • Ask Rachel
  • No exceptions
  • I doubt that would mitigate your concerns.
  • And does that sound plausible to you?
  • No I can’t
  • Maybe for a beer?
  • Maybe tomorrow
  • Wild horses could not drag me to do that even with the promise of a meat pie and a beer
  • No!
  • I don’t want to!
  • Stop it.
  • If instructions say you may, then it is your discretion.
  • I don’t care if it is just for sex, it is still a marriage
  • Will that make a difference to the outcome?
  • Harpoon!
  • Try to be systematic
  • Declines make me smile
  • Their tears taste like champagne
  • You and your hippity hop music
  • What would Johnny cash do?
  • What would Darth Vader do?
  • Hippy!
  • They don’t drink shandies in Valhalla
  • Windows 7 sucks, but then most of our IT systems do.
  • Perhaps Rome?
  • Human trafficking, cigarette, guns and drug smuggling
  • Army, police, Military, militia and government
  • Unless they confess we will never be 100%
  • Lying scumbag
  • It’s arbitrary
  • There is no logical reason. It’s better just to proceed
  • Orcas are Dolphins not Whales
  • That’s never genuine
  • I wouldn’t trust him to put himself out if he was on fire.
  • No I am Warldorf. Marty is Statler.
  • Smash him
  •  Red wine over white
  • I’m more of a cavalry man
  • AK 74
  • Tea?
  • Coffee?
  •  The secret is to cook the meat slowly
  • I think every which way but loose was a low point
  • I suggest your ipod and loud music
  • Angolia
  •  No the other Rachel
  •  You should always address the character issue
  • Despite what the law says it can be around 14
  • Pies are good for any meal
  •  If you have tried twice is there any benefit to a third time? You are not Robert the Bruce.
  • Have you tried turning it off and on again?
  • It’s a combat zone.
  • No NoNoNoNO!
  •  Smash his face in
  •  Winston Churchill
  • Gustavus Aldolphus
  •  Sweden
  • Sausage
  • Muppet!
  • Have you asked the Library?
  •  If you understand the history then you understand the problem
  • A detailed chronology is always needed
  • Woot!
  • They need to provide satisfactory evidence
I hope you enjoyed that. My colleagues certainly did. 

have a great Saturday.  

1 comment:

  1. Brilliant! I need to instigate this in my office. I sense things would get done a LOT faster :)