I was told not to.

Yes, I was told not to. I said I wouldn't.  I was told not to again by someone who watched it. 

But then I caved and I watched..

Many of you will be wondering why I watched this. I am not sure I can answer that question. I can only speculate that it was partly curiosity, partly rage, and well, curiosity. 

And here is what I thought. I will try (and fail) not to compare this film to the TMNT canon, and just focus on the movie. But we all know that basically I am weak. 

Oh yes spoilers follow. Well hardly spoilers, I doubt there is much I will be saying that will actually make this movie any worse.

The movie starts off with a poor imitation of the cartoon sequences you have in the Marvel movies and then the movie proper starts where it is revealed that New York is under threat from the secret Ninja 'foot clan'.

Hang on a minute, how secret is this secret Ninja clan if everyone knows about it?  Right moving on. April O'Neil (Megan Fox) is trying to be taken seriously as a reporter. However, her editor (Whoopi Goldberg) just sees her as a pretty face only good for fluff pieces. I imagine Whoopi saw her performance in Transformers 2. 

April still hasn't mastered the selfie yet. 

But April is determined to unmask the Foot clan. Why I don't know as everyone knows about the Foot - they operate in plain sight. In her search for the Foot Clan, and maybe her self esteem, April discovers a super human vigilante who is fighting back against the Foot. April starts to track down the vigilantes, and when she does they introduce themselves straight off the back as mutant teenage turtle ninjas. They also instantly remove their masks?

This is of course the big reveal when we get to see the 2014 Ninja turtles!

Huh?

No really what the hell? 

Dude that is totally not me!

Lips? LIPS? and what is with the nose and the crazy brows, and their brutish overly muscled bodies, and the lips! They look the twisted love children of Yoda and the Hulk!

This for me is one of the (many, many) problems of the film. It just has no idea who it is aimed at. Is it a kids movie? Well then why is it rated M (in New Zealand at any rate). The story is an over complicated mess, but while the story is a mess it is also lacking in any substance or sophistication for anyone over 10? 

Here is a piece; the Turtles were actually a science experiment of April's father, and she gave them their names, and apparently their color schemes.  When there was a fire in the science lab, she rescued them (and Splinter who looks like Capybara with a mustache), then she dumped them on the street and left them. Presumably this rescue was occurring as her father died in the same fire. 

And lets just ride on past the love story between Mikey and April.  

While Michael Bay only produced this film, you can see his influence. Explosions, more explosions, gratuitous slow motion sequences, explosions, Megan Fox’s arse and stuttered acting, explosions and an overblown chase sequence that is very reminiscent of the action films of the 80’s but just comes across as tired. The action was over the top and typical Bay. We have seen these sorts of sequences time and time again. 

Oh and the final Bayism is that they turned Shredder into Megatron. 

The film is mostly about April, her dad, her career, her ass, and less about the Turtles. The Turtles needed to have more screen time, after all it is about them. 

TMNT is meant to be fun. Even the early comics were essentially fun. They were about a bunch of mutant teenage turtles being martial arts, ninja, crime fighters. They used their skills, team work and heroism to defeat the bad guys. They were not hulked out monsters, who threw shipping containers around. 

I didn't even enjoy the action. The choreography was chunky and boring. Sure the main characters are CGI, but we have the technology in 2014 to do better. 

If you are a fan of the Turtles and want to see them in action. I recommend that you check out the Cartoon from Nickeodeon. 

Otherwise I would avoid this film like an ex-girlfriends/boyfriends text asking if they can come over.  Just say NO!

3 out of ten.