L'il Kim vs Asgard

As I am saving for my wedding next year I have to budget for the movies I see. That generally means that I see and review the movies that I prefer to.

And to be fair that has to end.

So I wondered what film I really didn't want to see and should review and there was one  that stood out.

Armed with a bottle of 2011 Segfried pinot noir, a supportive girlfriend, and Heather one of my best friends, I sat and watched a movie that would probably be even worse than  the remake of Conan the Barbarian.

 Not that you will probably care but this review is one of the exceptionally few that has spoilers.

Here we go.

The 1984 film By John Milus was set during the feasible paranoia of the cold war period. The remake tries to create a similar sense of paranoia with the current economic crisis in Europe, and the tensions between the western world and North Korea. While the economic situation globally is a concern, when it comes to the military might of the DPRK, the tension that was created swiftly becomes what seems like a set up for a joke by the The Onion. 

With the premise tenuously and ludicrous set, the movie is starts off introducing the two main protagonists. Patrick Swayze played by Thor (Chris Hemsworth), a marine back home on leave, and his annoying selfish little brother Matt (Josh Peck whose previous work was playing the dorky kid of a lame Nickelodeon tween sitcom.) Matt is a senior at the local high school and is dating Erica (Isabel Lucas from Home and Away) who has apparently been held back from graduating for the last seven years.

After a terribly angsty reunion with his brother there is some sulking and low carb beer then the mighty North Korean military invades USA. More planes than I think the US air force has built, ever suddenly appear over the suburban streets of California, and they release one million elite North Korean paratroopers.

 Now I don't know much about Para troops, but it seems foolish to drop in a parachute in an area filled with power lines, trees, etc where your parachute would get tangled and you might die?

Anyway there is an epic car chase brought to you by Dodge, and Erica is taken by the evil North Koreans.

A group of kids escape the city with the brothers and hide in the woods, including Robert (Josh Hutcherson) and Daryl (Connor Cruise),the others who were described by my friend H as "the expendables".

The North Koreans show up with the brothers policeman father (Brett Cullen) and the town mayor (Michael Beach)who is Daryl’s father. The brothers watch as the  their father is murdered after a rousing speech of defiance by Captain Cho, the North Koreans evil leader. 
Good work Brett Cullen you were better than this movie.

Roused by predictable righteous vengeance Jed (Thor, sorry Chris Hemsworth) cleverly uses an 80's montage to train this rag tag bunch of kids into an effective fighting force. Luckily for the kids Obama hasn’t managed to get automatic weapons banned by the time of the invasion.

Thanks to the NRA, the fledgling rebels commit several successful raids. But tension builds between the brothers.  Partially because young Matt is not a team player and recklessly endangers the others by going to town hoping to catch a glimpse of the beautiful but academically challenged Erica, but also because Jed can’t stand his little brother inability to emote beyond a sulk.

Like an emo smoulder so is the acting of Peck

This tension comes to a head when during a raid in the town Matt is confronted by some potentially genuine emotion from Daryl, who has discovered that his father is a collaborator. Matt then runs off to rescue Erica from a bus getting, Greg(Julian Alcaraz), one of the expendables killed in the process. Typically in Hollywood films the minorities are the first to die, and in Red Dawn 2012 it appears that Hispanic is the new Black. 

Matt also thwarts Erica’s attempt to rescue anyone else from the prison bus by groping her until she leaves with him. 

Back at base Julie (Alyssa Diaz), Greg’s sister is furious at Matt getting her brother killed during the most sexually awkward rescue attempt in the last 25 years of cinema. But the last expendable Danny (Edwin Hodge) brings the team back together after a rousing talk and inexplicably Julie forgives Matt for getting her  brother killed. 

Jed and love interest Toni (Adrianne Palicki) try to bring some credibility to the film with an intimate moment together. But before they can the North Koreans attack the base killing off the last of the expendables, Julie and Danny.  I suspect Matt, or at least John Peck’s agent  betrayed the rebels to the North Koreans as Danny and Julie were clearly superior actors.

As the survivors flee they come across a trio of marines led by Jeffrey Dean Morgan who reveals that it is not just the North Koreans superior military that has defeated the USA, but their superior technology.  Apparently the North Koreans have used some sort of EMP device to knock out US communications, but the North Koreans have some sort of coms unit that is immune to the EMP.   

At this point two things dawned upon me; the first was that maybe it was South Korea that had invaded  pretending to be North Korea? That seemed more plausible given their military and technological advancements. And secondly the script appears to have been written by a nine year old boy. 

This boys model army is a more feasible invading force

You can’t use your communications network because of my magic emp ray!

 Then how come you guys have phones?

 Umm because I have magic phones that are immune to my magic emp ray.  

 The kids team up with the marines to steal the device and violent hjinx ensue and climax with Thor killing his archenemy Cho with his fathers gun.  The get the magic doo-hicky but Daryl is caught by the North Koreans Spetsnatz allies, despite being a slim teenage boy and a minority he some how manages to escape death at the hands of the Russian special forces. Apparently he is not a threat to Josh's acting ability after all.

Victory! 

Sensing the end of the film Thor congratulates his little brother and goes to get the girl, but before he can Thor is killed by the spetsnatz or trolls I forget. It turns out that the Spetsnatz let Daryl get away with a tracking device.  So Daryl is left behind.  In a desperate attempt to save their careers the surviving marines fly out with the magic phone, and the film ends with Josh Peck doing a bad Chris Hemsworth impersonation to a group of new recruits and I ran out of wine.

Horrible.

Apart from Josh Peck the cast do a reasonable job with what they have. The premise is so ludicrous it is nonsensical. The only thing that does make sense about this movie is that it is a collaboration between Josh Pecks agent and the North Korean defence marketing department. Seriously as soon as some one gave a half decent performance they died! And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse they killed Chris Hemsworth. Isabel Lucas is barely in the film, and Josh Hutcherson carries Conner Cruise a little, but both are ok. 

I can't really say anyhting else except to say do not see this movie, not even for a dare. You know those films that are so bad they are funny, this is just bad. 

Two monkeys 

Weding Expo

I like expos, they are usually quite an entertaining couple of hours, with goodies and a bag of flyers that generally go straight into the recycling. Of course I the only expo I go to is the food and wine show, where I can load up on delicious snacks and wine.    

But I was interested to see what a wedding expo was like. 

I had a vague idea from the various romantic comedies on TV and film so I knew it wasn’t going to be like Armageddon, or sadly Comiccon San Diego. Although if it was that would be interesting:

 

Bride cosplay

Me  “Who are you?”

Bride cos-player# A “Oh I am Muriel from Muriel’s wedding”

 Me “And you? 

Bride cos-player# B “Oh I am Four weddings and a funeral.”

Me “ Really? Are you the wedding or the funeral?”

And that is how the fight started. 

So the novelty of a sea of cos-players dressing up as famous brides from movies might become a bit ‘samey’. 

Anyway my lady, friend H and I set off to check it out.  I was interested to see how long we would last. Not because I suspected I would get bored, more the fact the girls had been out to a friend’s hens night the previous evening and were slightly worse for wear.  

Once we arrived we were all given labels; Groom, Bride, Brides best friend.  While a novelty, it also quickly identifies who to speak to and who not to speak to. More on that later. 

We decided to do a circuit first and then work our way methodically through the middle.  Almost immediately we found a photographer that Rach had put on the short list.  I liked his dramatic use of light and his open horizons. And they were very nice people to deal with.  That might sound a little weird, but you spend half your day with these people so you have to have a rapport with them.  One photographer we spoke to later seemed like she was coked up to the eyeballs, and we barely coped with her intense ‘enthusiasm’ for our wedding for the five minutes we chatted to her, let alone half a day. 

There were hire places which were good, DJ’s, Venue hire, wedding videos, and catering which were of no interest to us as we have already sorted that.  Although I admit I am one of those terrible people that pretend to be interested just to get free samples of food. 

One thing that interested me was there was no cake tasting. I would have thought that if you wanted me to spend one hundred and eleventy million dollars for you to supply our wedding cake then surely we should taste it first? 

There were hire cars which was very good because my lady had not been all that fussed on the cars really, and I had thought she would look great in a vintage car, and enjoy it more as well. So when she looked at this lovely old Bentley I could see she got what I meant.  And I guess that is why these sorts of events are helpful. If you just get one single idea, or one aspect of your wedding sorted then it is worth attending. 

As with anything there was an overall theme, and the 2013 wedding expo was pretty hipster. Vintage was queen. There was ironically rustic, vintage everything; from a crooner, to confectionary bars to a vintage caravan you can hire. Ironically this suits my lady to a T. She is unconsciously   hipster in her tastes.  And in true hipster style because it is currently fashionable she won’t do it.  Also we are not spending $20 each for a ‘vintage’ jam jar which my mum has just to pop a tea light in it. 

Maybe I can try and sell my catering idea of a bull roasting on a spit as ‘ironic’ to her?  What is more ironic than a six foot iron stake right?

So ironic

But for all of you that are addicted to that gypsy wedding theme do not panic. There was a two mile long purple stretch hummer out the front just for you. 

During the expo I had a self-imposed isolation clause while the girls looked at wedding dresses.  This meant I had to wander around sans bride.  And this highlighted a small issue for me. About one in three stalls blanked me, not a bride, not interested. One catering place I forced to engage with me. But they were pretty reluctant, and had no interest in talking to me at all about their catering ideas.  And while I didn’t care as we have already sorted that, if I hadn’t we certainly wouldn’t be using them.  

That aside most people were actually very nice.  And the winner of the day for being nice to the groom would have to be a tie between Pretty Vintage and the New Zealand Weddings Magazine people.  Both of which shall be getting custom from us in the future.   And a small note for all you stalls that refuse to talk to grooms I suspect your business may suffer from August, and rightfully so. 

Going to the wedding expo was really informative and interesting. It had stalls for those who want other people to plan the wedding, to those like us who want to plan our own.  I think that if you can just get inspired by something then it is worth it.  For me it was fine.  There were certainly some grooms that were wandering around like little boys being taken clothes shopping by their mum.  I found it interesting, but then I am actively involving myself in the wedding planning. 

One thing I recommend to the expo people is maybe more food and catering stalls, more wine tasting, cake tasting and maybe a bbq? Maybe a pig on a spit? 

Just a thought.

Oblivion

I talk a lot on this blog about the failure of new and innovative stories to make it to our cinemas. Often the studios rely on sequels, remakes, and now the re-release of previously successful movies in 3D to release as a secure return on their investment.

But this is not always the case. Talented writers and directors are out there trying to bring  new stories to us. New books, short stories, graphic novels and old stories previously thought to be too difficult to film are being made.  Unfortunately though, they do seem to be the minority.

Thus when something fresh comes along it is important to investigate. I don't know anyone that had seen Oblivion or knew anything about it. I suspect there is a lot of reservation because Tom Cruise is in the title role. I don't have the hate on for Tom as other people do, which makes this choice a bit easier.

Synopsis:

It is 2077 and Earth went to war with an alien race known only as the 'Scavengers'. The Scavengers travel through space like locusts stripping worlds of all their resources before moving on.  Earth won the war against the scavengers, but at great cost. The Scavengers destroyed the moon, and that caused global devastation. Earth was ruined. Humanity is deserting Earth and making a new home on Titon.
Jack (Tom Cruise) and Victoria (Andrea Riseborough) are part of the final clean up crew. They run maintenance for the robotic drones who hunt out the remaining scavengers.  Soon it will be time for Jack and Victoria to leave Earth forever and join the colonists. But as their mission comes to a close, Jack questions leaving his home.

The easiest way to describe  Oblivion  is as a triumphant return of science fiction.  Prometheus, Ghosts of Mars, Tron Legacy, Aliens versus Predator are examples of bloody nails in sci fi fans dreams for decent stories to be made. Fans of science fiction films like me who drag their partners to sci fi films like these in the hope of seeing a gdecent movie, can find ourselves apologising and promising that not all sci fi films are arse.

Don't get me wrong Oblivion probably won't win any Oscars, but it was really enjoayble.  The story is interesting and like any good science fiction story it raises a couple of questions about our humanity. It was nicely paced and director Joseph Kosinski has certainly redeemed himself after Tron Legacy. There is a degree of cheese, but not enough to ruin the film.

The cast is small , but they are all do a solid job. I thought Tom Cruise was fine, he played his role, and didn't annoy me or my friends. Morgan Freeman as always stole the show.  Andrea Riseborough, who you may know from  Brighton Rock  probably gave the strongest performance as Cruises partner and lover Victoria.

We have all seen depictions of the Earth, and particularly the US after an apocalypse. But Oblivion some how manages makes the terrain of post war Earth seem new and interesting. And Oblivion also has some gentle nods to 2001:A Space Odyssey. The style of the base, the drones, even Jack's exercise machine are all reminiscent of Kubrick's classic. I found these little touches to be entertaining and added a nice touch to the film.

Oblivion isn't going to be the stand out movie of the year, but it is entertaining and fun. It is certainly a solid endorsement that the science fiction genre is alive and well.

Seven Monkeys from me
 

The Croods

I like animated films. I like the stories they tell and the way they can tell them. Over time animated films have gone beyond simple shorts to poignant and clever layered narratives for both children and the parents that are inevitably escorting them to the movies.  Wall-E, the Lion King and Up are a long way from Donald and Mickey.

Pixar changed the game with Toy Story and every year they push the boundaries to bring us better and better films. But, as I have noted before, their competitors are sometimes dismissed for the simple fact that they are not Pixar.  I dislike this trend.  I think that you can dislike a film for not being as good for various reasons, but not instantly dismiss it because it is made by Dream Works.  Dreamworks animation have made some really great movies; Monsters versus Aliens, Shrek, How to Train your Dragon, Wallace and Grommet/ Curse of the Were-rabbit, Madagascar, and ANTZ.

Just kidding Antz was an abomination.

With any film, animated or not, it should be judged on its merits or lack thereof.  With that being said let us look at The Croods.

Synopsis

The Croods are a family of Neanderthals who live in an insanely dangerous world filled with colourful and peculiar creatures.   All their neighbours and friends have been methodically killed off by disease or giant Owl-tiger attack.  Grug (Nicolas Cage) is the father of the tiny clan, and is determined to keep his family safe.  His rules are simple, anything new is dangerous. Eep (Emma Stone) feels constricted by his rules and fear of the new. She wants to explore and discover new things. But Grug keeps them securely in their cave.  But after an earthquake destroys their home the family have no choice but to leave their valley and explore out into the world. 

Firstly the Dreamworks artists have had a field day with the stylised prehistoric world of the Croods. Instead of recreating another Ice-Age movie, they have made a crazy world of land whales, flying piranha birds and flying turtles, and all in a vivid palate of colours. While I Imagine some palaeontologists having conniptions over the various creatures the croods encounter, I found it fun.

The story revolves around Eep's struggle for independence from her father Grug. This is complicated by the introduction of Guy (Ryan Reynolds), a Cro-Magnon traveller who challenges Grugs authority with his superior intellect and survival skills.  Grug has always been the one to protect his family, but Guy is a better provider and survivor than Grug.

The story isn’t new, but it isn’t trite either. The Croods' search for a new home reflects the figurative and literal journey of Grug and Eep as they travel beyond into uncharted territory.

The small cast were great; Belt (Chris Sanders) was my firm favourite. And those who dislike Mr Cage, for being, well Nicholas Cage, may find his role as Grug still enjoyable. Ryan Reynolds plays the affable and inventive Guy, Cloris Leachman plays Gran, the indomitable mother Of Ugga, who is played by  Catherine Keener, who is Grug's wife. Clark Duke and Randy Thom play Thunk, and Sandy, Grugs and Uggas youngest children respectively.

I went in hoping to be entertained and I was. I saw the Croods in 2d as usual, but it is shown in 3D if that is your thing. I recommend a trip to the movies to see The Croods, especially if you need a film for the school holidays. It is bright, colourful, and most of all entertaining.

 

Six monkeys from me.

Wedding blog: venues

At a certain point in wedding planning you hit an impasse until a venue can be confirmed.  Guest lists, food, wine, music, table settings, food, wine, amenities that are available, logistics for visiting guests and  the ceremony and of course most important the food and wine budget.  

My girl had found three venues for us to look at yesterday, there were four, but after further consideration it would have been safer, and classier to have it in a barn, or a bordello or a foxhole in Syria.  
So we gathered the bridal party, myself and took a trip over the hill into homeland of my girl. I say her homeland, it was where she was born, but I suspect her spiritual homeland would be one of the great style and art capitals of the world; New York, London, Paris, , Rome or Edinburgh.   

Once there we met up with the mother and father of the bride who provided a lovely lunch and fortification and we all left to visit the first venue.

To protect all concerned I will not be naming names of the venues or the people we spoke to.

Venue number one

It was a spectacular day in the Wairarapa and it was a pleasant start to our itinerary to have the sun out as we drove through the New Zealand countryside.  To get to Venue one we had to travel down this twisty turny drive along a metal road to arrive at a sun drenched vineyard and orchard. ‘Hello’ I thought ‘this is a bit of us’.   
We rounded a bend to see a large modern building that looked very nice. We parked and disembarked and we were met by the woman that ran the venue. I shall call her Mrs Bucket, pronounced ‘Bouquet.’

Now I understand that the wedding is all about the bride, it is her day and all that, but given I am paying for half of it, and it is my wedding to that she could have least humoured me with some eye contact! But no she spent the time name dropping and talking to everyone but me.  Fine I thought so be it.  I knew that my girl isn’t going to make a decision without me being comfortable with it so I will just see where this goes.

It went to a garage.  
Not an actual garage you understand, there weren’t any cars in it. But it was one of those Lockwood prefab sorts of things. Half of it had been turned into a marquee, and the other part was an entry/bar/kitchen area. 

I guess the theme was “rustic” inside. I would call it cramped. It had wooden beams   added on in a complicated bid to stun and capture the overly tall.  
I was completely underwhelmed and to be honest simply stopped listening to Mrs Bucket.  To be fair it is a summer venue, and outside was wicked with trees, and gardens, and I can imagine those trees looking fantastic with lights all through them. But we are having a winter wedding so everything that was wonderful about the venue would be lost.  Also we want candles and that plastic marquee sheeting would probably catch fire and then we would all die of consumption.  

The girls thought it was cold, and while it is autumn, it was still very warm outside. This boded ill for the ladies.

So venue one was out.

Venue two

After being fortified with a wine we visited the second venue.  We were met by a lovely lady whom I will call ‘Shelly’  because she spells cheers, as  cheerz.

Yes I am confusing the actress with the character.

The second venue was a practical and shall I say aesthetically functionary. But Shelly was friendly, professional and obviously experienced. She answered our questions and had information available. She listened to us and had answers.  While there was a limited aesthetic to the venue, it was as the chief bridesmaid put it “a blank canvas”.  We had the freedom to make the venue what we wanted it to be.  Also this venue had many logistical advantages.  
The downside was that while they said BYO, they didn’t mean it. I had come up with the idea of supplying the wine ourselves.  I belong to many wine clubs and mailing lists and they have great deals on quality wines. $25-$10 if you buy a case.  I thought that we could save $$ and our guests would have great wines to try. But at $10 a corkage per bottle it seemed pointless.  But this concession was certainly not a deal breaker.

Venue two was a definite maybe.

Venue number three.

Much happier we descended on the third venue. As we walked up the drive to this amazing estate, I was blown away by the architecture and the sheer beauty of the building. It was awesome. As we went inside I felt like I was in Downton Abby. Rich dark wood, chandeliers wonderful. It was everything I thought my girl  wanted. I then started to wonder the banks to rob vs. likelihood of getting caught   before the wedding.  
We sat down with the couple, let’s call them the Royals, that ran the venue and they talked us through what they offer. Instantly we hit problems.  My lady asked when she could come and set up the venue, and was basically told that she couldn’t.

Also no BYO, they are a licenced venue and there wines are very competitive at $30 a bottle.  Now I am not sure who they think they are competing with? But this is not a race I think I can afford to enter.  As they discussed various catering options I stared Mr Royal in the eye and silently did some maths.

$30 a bottle, most of my friends enjoy a couple, and it’s a wedding, so 30 x 3 carry that by the guests = eleventy million dollars! 
Then Mr Royal said that they do not encourage excessive drinking. That’s good, I thought as I think I can only afford one glass of wine between two guests. Then we asked about music. We are just going to have an ipod. Good gracious no, the venue is best suited for live music. They know this lovely singer, she is a treat and they use her all the time. No one dances to music on an ipod.  I wanted to ask “Does she know any Coldplay? How is she at Of Monsters and Men then?” but I was on my best behaviour as I didn’t want to ruin our chances with the venue.

We then had a tour of the venue and we left.

My girl then confessed that she thought it was ok, but she was worried that she would lose control over her wedding, and have to concede too much. She was really unhappy. But if I really liked it then we have the venue there.

And that right there ladies and gentlemen sums up the woman I am going to marry. Despite her concerns, and worries and basically unhappiness with the venue and its operators she would agree to it if my heart was set on it.

Now it was potentially the perfect aesthetic choice for us, however if we were offer Versailles at a reasonable rate and she was unhappy I wouldn’t take it.  (even though it would have probably had cheaper wine).Concessions have to be made, sure, but we have to be happy, she has to be happy. If my girl wanted a reception involving kegs in a barn I’d say yes, if that made her happy. (Thankfully she is exceptionally stylish.)  My bride to be wants to be her own wedding planner, she wants to plan and create her wedding. I am exceptionally lucky that she genuinely respects my opinion and insists on any decision being a joint one.  Venue three would not make her happy so they are off the island.

For me when the Royals said, oh we would have to have this singer, and they would do the table decorations, I was nodding but in my mind I was just dismissing them. Our wedding, our choices. Don’t like that then we shall take our sixpence somewhere else.

As you can surmise we went with option two.  And that done, the wedding locomotive is off again!

Toot toot! And bye-ee.